Christmas Time Was Here...

...along with much happiness and cheer.

I was worried going into Christmas. The snow had gotten pretty bad; we were pretty well stuck at home for a few days.








We put the best face on it, but I was worried the Portland clan would not make it. But they did, braving snow and ice and giving us the first full Heinrich family Christmas in many years.




There was good food and drink (and I mean really good food), poker and live music, flurries of wrapping paper, a thousand little chocolates and good times in great company.







Plus, it was nephew Leo's first Christmas. He is almost 7 months old, so it clearly meant more to us than to him.... but still he made out like the proverbial bandit with Christmas loot.




And then today, Trish and I went and got our Christmas gift to each other. Her name is Gracie and she is a 2 year old coon hound mix.






And she is making herself at home already. I hope all of you had as much fun the past few days as we did.

A new Christmas play

So the snow in Seattle has gotten me down, mostly because I am worried it will prevent my whole family from gathering for Christmas. My friend Jenni saw that I was down and wrote a Christmas play to cheer me up. Actually, I think she wrote the play because her already thin hold on sanity was deteriorating even faster due to cabin fever, as you can tell by her note to me....

Right now it is called A Christmas Pageant, but I am thinking of renaming it How the Heinrich Stole Christmas (from the pagans). I sounded like you were a little depressed, so I wrote a play just for you. On a completely unrelated note I have spent much too much time in my house by myself since all this f-ing snow, and may be going crazy, like as in literally mentally ill. Enjoy!

Seattlites do not cope with extended snow well and my friends are more than a little odd. So keep that in mind as you read Jenni's Christmas play.

A Christmas Pageant

By Jenni Brown

As adapted from The History Channel’s: A History of Christmas (Check local listings)

It is a cold winter’s eve somewhere in Europe 437AD. Bishop Murray is warming himself by the fire with a bottle of Rum, enter Father Heinrich.

FATHER HEINRICH: Bishop Murray.

BISHOP MURRAY: What is it Heinrich?

H: It seems we have a problem sir…

M: Yes, yes, what is it, quickly man.

H: Well sir it seems that, while the population is very excited about the whole Jesus thing…

M: They better be, we certainly burnt enough of ‘em at the stake to get the rest of fired up … heh … get it … Fired Up?

H: Yes sir… that’s a good one.

M: Oh come on now Heinrich, you’re not still sore about your mother are you? Heinrich, Heimlich, they sound very similar.

H: Honest mistake, sir.

M: And she did kind of look like a witch.

H: Yes sir, you have pointed that out before.

M: So what’s the problem Heimlich?

H: Heinrich.

M: That’s what I said.

H: Right. The problem is that the people don’t want to give up their heretical pagan winter festival.

M: Well we could…

H: Maybe we should lay off the fire for a while, sir.

M: Fine, the people did get awfully whiny when we accidentally set the city on fire.

H: They certainly did.

M: All right, no fire… how about…

H: Stoning is also enduring a wave of unpopularity with the people, sir. The other priests and I were talking about it, we thought maybe it would be easier to just create a Christian holiday to take the place of the pagan one. Perhaps a celebration of the birth of the Christ child would be appropriate.

M: That’s rubbish man, everyone knows that the Christ child was born in the spring, the shepherds out at night with their flocks, the census, both historical data and common sense say that these are springtime endeavors, no one will buy it, use your head, Heinrich!

H: Actually sir, market research shows that no one outside of church scholars has any idea when Jesus was born, and most of them honestly don’t care as long as you don’t set them on fire.

M: And what would we call this new holiday?

H: I was thinking of calling it Christ’s mass, we can incorporate a holy mass on…

M: All right you can have your Christmas, or whatever, but we still get to have the Mistletoe, right, cause this celibacy shit is killing me.

H: Yes sir.

M: So, we get to have all the hedonistic, decadent, self-indulgent pleasures of the existing holiday, slap an extra mass in there, and call it good clean Christian fun.

H: Yes sir, that’s the plan.

M: I don’t say this often enough, but Heinrich, I love you.

H: Yes sir, well … I am going to leave now…you have a good Christ’s mass.

M: You too Heinrich, you too.

Yes, well..... I hope it brought you as much holiday cheer as it did me! Merry Christmas!

A measure of peace

I am starting to find an acceptance of whatever may come in our struggles to conceive. I have tried to write about the moment of understanding and acceptance but it really was an intuitive thing and every time I try to write about it, it comes across disjointed and odd and a little haughty. So, I am afraid you are getting the answer only without me showing the work. I hope that doesn't take away from the final grade.

It boils down to gratitude for all that I have and will have. Yes, there are things in my life that I want to change. Yes, there are things in the world as a whole that I want to change. No I do not have control over those things. So I simply do my best to change what I can change, accept that some things I can not change, grieve if it becomes clear I must give up something I love, and always, always proceed from a place of gratitude.

Of course, the roller coaster analogy is still in effect. There is no guarantee this acceptance will last. But for now, I will ride it out.

Happy Days

Congratulations Raechelle & Todd. We couldn't be happier for you... unless this means Todd productivity on our film projects is going to plummet.

More Trish Bloggings

So you probably know that Trish has been writing a blog detailing various aspects of our struggle with infertility. For those of you who have wanted to see her writing on something a little more light hearted, now you can.

She is writing for the web site For Single Women in the Entertainment section. She is one of several writers so not all of those articles are hers, but some examples are here and here. It is an ongoing gig, go ahead and bookmark the site and check it out.

The roller coaster

Updated below.

We have found a rhythm in the roller coaster ride each month as we try to conceive. There is the excitement of trying, the hope and fear as we wait for the results, the disappointment and grief when the results are negative and then we find some new reason to believe it will happen and we get excited all over again.

Since we had the IUI performed, the rhythm is the same only more so. Every dip and rise has been heightened. We examine every little change in Trish's mood and physical sensation for some kind of sign one way or the other. And now that we are coming up on the results days, we have taken it to the nth degree. The worst for me is the beeping of her thermometer every morning. It seems to go on forever and ever until a result flashes. This morning when her temperature was still high, we both exploded into laughter as we have one more day to hope. I don't even want to think about tomorrow's temperature taking.

To the readers who are of the praying variety, rather than praying for us to have a child (which has already been decided this month one way or the other), pray for the two of us not to get too consumed by this roller coaster ride, to keep our heads about us and live each day with hope and faith and love no matter what the results are.

Now if you will excuse, I have to fasten my seat belt. This ride is getting bumpy.

UPDATE: And the disappointment and the grief are intensified as well. Lovely.

Little help?

Any Seattle area readers have an extra office I can use? We are going to be shooting a PSA for a contest sponsored by Fred Hutch for their End Colon Cancer Now program and I need a location. It takes place in a doctor's office so an exam room would be great, but an office with a desk would work well, too. If you know of anything that might work, please add a comment and I will get you more details and we can see if it will work. Thanks!

UPDATE: We got it. Thanks!

Travel Pics

In the process of unpacking in the new home, I came across a bunch of old unlabeled floppy discs. I had to bring them into work in order to see what was on them. Turns out they are a whole mess of digital photos from my trip to New Zealand in 2000. The digital camera I was using was old even for the time, so the resolution on these is not very good, plus I am not a very good photographer, but here are some samples.

I still have to check my journal on some of these because I do not remember all the details, like which range this is.


This was on an overnight boat trip. I do not remember the name of the bay but it was on the South Island.


Likewise, I do not remember the name of the glacier but I do remember that I got stuck at one point.


Lucky shot.


The last day of a three day hike. Day 2 was 6 + hours, more than 5 of them above the tree line in a pouring rain.


The northern most tip of the country.


In case you get lost.


Yes, this was an actual street sign.

Shutting down

So I have not been posting much recently. And I have not been doing much creatively recently. Took me a while to figure it out, but it comes down to shutting down. Creativity generates strong emotions. I have not been wanting to feel strong emotions recently. The infertility stuff is still bringing me down and I have not wanted to feel the full weight of it. So the defense mechanism kicks in, feelings get walled off and creativity goes right out the window. I am getting a better handle on it. And there is reason for hope on the infertility front. So hopefully, I am going to be revving up again, because I am getting kind of bored without any creative outlet.

4 years ago

4 years ago today an amazing woman did an amazing thing: she married me. Amidst the whirl and the confusion of the day; amidst the press of family and old friends and people I had never laid eyes on before that day; amidst all the emotions that seemed like they would overwhelm me at any moment, one thought kept running over and over and over again. "I am so blessed."


Over the course of the past 4 years, amidst the mundane and the struggles and the conflicts and the heartaches, that thought will reappear at least once every day. She will laugh at some corny one liner I toss off, or she will reach out and take my hand, or she will be laying into me during a fight, or she will be crying softly into my shoulder, or she will just smile at me, and the thought will hit me as strong as it did 4 years ago. "I am so blessed."



And every now and then, less often then I used to, I will wonder that this amazing woman did this amazing thing. I will shake my head at her foolish choice to spend the rest of her life with me, to raise a family with me, to love me. And the thought is there again. "I am so blessed."

Happy Anniversary, Tiger. I love you.

BFF

An 82 year old woman starts blogging so she can stay in touch with her best friend of 60 years. And she is a damn funny writer, too.

Torturing Democracy

Torturing Democracy is a documentary film made for PBS. PBS decided not to air it until the day after Bush left office. Given the subject, the chosen air date raised a few suspicions. It is now letting member stations air it if and when they choose. (The Seattle PBS station has completely wussed out, but is trying to save face by airing the documentary at 11pm the day before the election and then the Saturday after.)

Forgive me for asking such a basic question, but isn't the point of reporting to give us the facts so we can make informed decisions? Shouldn't this be the kind of information we get before an election? When did that turn into a bad thing? This is like the New York Times sitting on the story of Bush's illegal wiretaps until a year after the election. Isn't that the kind of thing we needed to know before we re-elected him? That he is actively breaking the law? And shouldn't we have a full picture of the current administration's actions before we elect a new one?

Fortunately, you can at least view the documentary online here. And you can check that same site to see when it is airing in your area. Here is a clip.



I imagine this is going to be very difficult to watch, but it is vital that we get this thing seen far and wide. We have to know what we did (yes, we; we are all responsible for this) so that we can a) stop it and b) prevent it from happening again.

Quick Update

I had an appointment with a urologist yesterday to discuss my low numbers. For a good 24 hours before the appointment I was in a pretty dark head space, certain that he was going to tell me I could never have kids and starting to wonder if the cause was due to some major health issue. Well the good news is that neither of those are true.

The short version is the drop in morphology, while not usual is not uncommon either. A six point drop, while steep, can happen from stress or other factors. He said a retest would probably show another fluctuation. Is the low morphology hurting our chances? Most likely. Is it the single reason we cannot conceive? Probably not. I think his exact words were "don't hang your hat on this one number." The bad news is that they do not really know what causes low morphology (aside from a couple of physical ailments which I do not have); it could have been as far back as the pneumonia I suffered when I was two or three. And there is no particular treatment.

So, what next? I have an ultrasound scheduled this morning (the doc did find a small nodule, most likely nothing for either health or fertility but we are checking it anyway), and Trish is making us an appointment with her Ob Gyn to discuss Intra Uterine Insemination. The doc said our chances with that technique are lowered because of my numbers but he deferred to the Ob who would perform the procedure to see if it was worth our while.

We came out of the appointment with two different reactions. I was greatly relieved to hear that the number can fluctuate and that this is not necessarily the end of the road for us having our own child. Trish was greatly frustrated that we still have no hard answers as to why we have not conceived and what we should do next. (A frustration I share, by the by, but we talked it out and she feels better about it. I am sure she will describe her feelings in more detail on her own blog.) All in all, I feel pretty good this morning.

Oh, and I will continue the posts with Mike's e-mail very shortly.

Literal Videos

This has been around for a few days, but it's a worth a second look if you have seen it already. The creators took the original video and music and changed the words to a literal description of what is ocurring in the video. I think it's hysterical, but I also thought the original video was freaking cool, so....



The original video made me jealous of Theo 'cause he got cable and MTV while we were stuck with broadcast back in my house. (sigh) The trials and tribulations of adloescence. Apropos of nothing, Todd set the tune to be my ringtone his phone which means either he thinks I am very 80's or very sketchy.

Chipping Away At Faith

I have a had a number of responses from different friends to my struggle with being results oriented, all of them thought provoking and all of them strongly encouraging. There is one response in particular, from my big brother Mike, though that really has me chewing over it. And there is a lot in his response, so I am going to break it up into different parts. This one tackles faith.

Mike wrote:

I'm not one of those who automatically believes that God has a "better" plan for you than you do. But I do believe he has a plan. And since he's bigger and tougher than you are maybe it's time to hear him out for a while. His plans may still suck ... but what choice do we have? You noted that when the results you want don't come through your faith in God gets chipped away. But, is that really faith? "If you come through for me I'll believe in you." ??? I ask this rhetorically as someone who has NEVER had their faith truly challenged. (And considering what a coward I am I pray it never will be).

Isn't faith in God another way of saying, "Lord I trust in you that you have my best interests at heart" and then truly believing it? And that's it. No strings attached?

I do believe that faith has to be more than "I get rewarded so I believe in you." Absolutely. In fact, I do not see faith as belief in God per se, but belief that God is loving and has our best interests at heart. So, yes, I agree. But when I do not get what I want, my belief that God truly has my best interests at heart gets damaged. Is that a particularly strong faith? Absolutely not (see Seed, Rocky Soil). Which is one reason why I feel like I need to re-frame the issue away from the results oriented mind set.

Shortly after my nephew Leo was born (who is still adorable, by the by), we had a family barbecue. Now being a new born, Leo wanted to sleep shortly after eating. And being parents, Katie and Jim wanted him to stay awake longer so that all three could sleep through the night. And being a new born, Leo was not happy about that particular plan and made it pretty well known. And being parents, Jim and Katie set about doing what was best anyway, even if they could not explain it to Leo.

Is it fairly obvious that I am Leo in this analogy? Squalling to the world because I cannot get what I want, all the while being held by a loving parent who really does have my best interest at heart, but cannot explain why this is the way it is. I think that is what Mike is telling me. And it makes sense.

Again, we butt up against the how question, which Mike talked about in the e-mail as well and I will get to that in a later post. The short version of where I am on that issue right now comes back to acting analogies again. Sometimes you just have to get out of your own way and let the scene happen.

There is one point Mike made that I disagree with strongly. In no way, shape or form is my brother a coward and I will have words with anyone - anyone - who says otherwise.

Results Oriented

In acting, you can never be results oriented. If I look at a scene I am going to play, like the final scene between C.S. Lewis and his wife, Joy, in the play Shadowlands, and determine that since it is our final good-bye before her death therefore I have to cry by the end of it, I will kill any chance whatsoever of reaching that emotion. In my effort to cry, I prevent myself from feeling any honest emotions present in that scene. If instead, I commit to just being present in this imaginary set of circumstances with no end result in mind, I open myself up to all sorts of possibilities. I might cry, I might not. I might find myself feeling grief too strong for tears. I might find myself laughing. And if tears do come, they are real tears.

A friend at church was diagnosed several years ago with a malignant brain tumor. It was before I knew him and I do not know the details of it, except that he was told it was 100% fatal. When he found out, he prayed. He did not pray for healing. He did not ask to be cured. Instead, he asked God to help him trust God more; he asked for help so that he could give his family what they needed emotionally; he asked for help in finding the right path forward. He never prayed for the end result. What he found was freedom.

He tells me that before the diagnosis, he was not very happy. He had a vision of his life the way it was supposed to be and he was doing everything he could to get there. His efforts were always falling short in one area or another so he was not happy, despite a loving family, good job, etc. In the process of treatment for the tumor, he discovered how little control he really had over the events in his life, and how his struggle to control those events helped blind him to all of the good things in his life.

This was no a It's A Wonderful Life type realization where he looks back and sees how great everything was. More accurately, in letting go of his need for control he was free to fully experience the life he had. Much in the same way letting go of the need to cry at the end of the scene would free me up to experience a full range of possible emotions. Now, without that need for control, he is free to more fully appreciate his wife and his daughters and his grandchild and his friends and his community and his work and his play. Every day he wakes up excited to see what might happen. He told me on Sunday that the tumor was the best thing that ever happened to him.

The similarities between his situation and mine are striking to me. Like him, I am trying desperately to make my life the way it should be. There are times when I get so caught up in trying to create a career making movies, that I completely ignore the good things happening all around me. And there are times when I feel that if I do not get the chance to make movies that I will never really be happy. Yikes! And that is just around career and doesn't even touch conception issues.

Also, like my friend, I just received a diagnosis that I was not ready for and that shook me very hard. (Just to be clear, I am not equalling infertility with a fatal tumor, but I am noting a similarity.) Unlike him, my response, as it has been throughout the years we have tried to conceive, has been to pray for the end result. Please, God, give us a child. Please, God, let this month be different. Please, please, please change this situation. And every month that it is not different, that the situation is not changed, makes it harder and harder to look up and see - and experience - the good things in my life. And another little piece of my faith is chipped away.

The question then becomes how do I change it? How do I stop being results oriented? The key would be to let go of the desire for the end result. My friend was willing to accept that he probably would not live out another year. In the acting analogy, I have to accept that tears - or any strong emotion - might not happen; in fact, I have to accept that I might screw up the scene entirely. So in my life, I have to accept that I might never make a movie. And I have to accept that Trish and I might never conceive a child.

Ummm.... yeah....

This is one of those things that is so easy to say and so difficult to do. Some friends and family have been trying to steer me towards this for a while now and I have been resentful of their efforts. It felt like they were telling me I need to give up. I get that letting go and giving up are not the same thing, but it can be extremely difficult to notice the distinction when you see something so clearly and want it so deeply. And believe me, I can see Trish's and my child very clearly. (And in case you were wondering, that child is beautiful.)

My friend who had the tumor tells me that for him there was no conscious decision to see his situation the way he did. It was just how he reacted. He calls it a gift. Other friends of the church going variety, reassure me that God has a plan for me that is much better than the one I have for me. (I still struggle with the idea of an interventionist God, so this can be difficult.) Friends of the non church going variety offer support and encouragement. In neither case is there any kind of step by step instructions on how to let go, obviously. In acting, I finally started to let go of my need to be good after I screwed up a ton of scenes and got tired of trying.

I am not sure how let go of this desire, this end result, but lord knows I am tried of trying. For now, I am going to change my prayers. Maybe that small start is enough of a crack to effect a change. As C.S. Lewis says in Shadowlands, "That's not why I pray, Harry.... It doesn't change God, it changes me."

Best Ever

Trish and I joined Jessie yesterday and hit a double feature of Batman Begins and The Dark Knight at the Imax theater (running through November 2nd, if you are of a mind.) Watching them back to back, it is clear to me that Batman Begins is the better of the two films, despite the fact that Katie Holmes drags down every scene in which she appears. Plus, it contains the best action sequence of any comic book movie. Period.



Why? Because it captures the character of Batman better than any other comic book movie captures its subject. We see how he terrifies crooks, picking them off one by one, never letting anyone get a good look at him, allowing the fear build and do half the work for him. No other sequence in a comic book movie has come close to capturing the character as well as the reaction of the people who see him. The only one that comes close would be the first appearance of Superman in Superman The Movie, with the classic "you've got me, but who's got you" reaction.



Which I have to admit holds up pretty well after 30 years, but it does not pack the same punch.

VP Debates

Trish and I watched the VP debate last night with my mom and dad. Loads of fun, especially since I won the Palin Bingo game. For those who did not see the debate, below is a handy flow chart from Adennak.

"For a moment there I thought we were in trouble"

I could write my own tribute to Paul Newman, but this one works very well. (I had no idea he was color blind.) A career and a professionalism to which every actor should asipre.

Quick Home Update

The move went pretty well on Saturday, despite the fact that Saturday was the only day of the week that it rained, and it rained all day long. We had some good help and were able to get everything in the new home by 2 pm. Now is the joy of unpacking. And a quick run back to the old apartment this morning to pick up the last two pieces that are going to get recycled and do a check out inspection with the property manager. And more unpacking. And trying to get the Ikea desk set up that kicked Jessie's and my butts last night. (I would really like a desk so I do not have to type further updates on Trish's laptop while sitting on the floor.)

With each additional piece that we get out of a box and set up, this new place starts to feel more and more like home. We still look at each other every now and then with a deer in the headlights look and ask "This is really our house?" but both of us are adjusting to it. Now if I can just get a good night's sleep before having to go back to work tomorrow....

Closed

There were a few hiccups and speed bumps along the way, but we finally closed on the house. Trish and I now own a home. Well, a small percentage of a home, the bank owns most of it. And in between bouts of celebration and holy $*##! what did we do moments, was packing... and more packing, and more packing. 

It all feels a little surreal. I suppose reality will kick in on Saturday when we are moving our stuff in. (Anyone who wants to lend a hand on Saturday morning, come on over. It will be a hoot-en-nanny.) 

I just need to say again, it would not have happened without the deep generosity of brother Tom and his wife Kathryn. Thanks, guys. 

What Trish said

I could say it with my own words, but Trish's words cover it pretty well.

Blog Love

Added a couple of friends to the blog roll on the right. Why did I do that? Well, the "Friends" section really is just that, friends of mine, not friends of friends. (And, yes, I have more friends than that, smart aleck. Very few of them write web logs.) And I realized the other day that the two new additions have become friends in their own right, instead of people I know through Todd.

Raechelle and Todd are dating, but check out her site anyway, because it is witty and sharp. Anyone who has clicked through to Todd's blog will know that whenever the two of them write about each other, they are cutesy as all get out. I can tell you, in person it is even more so. They give Trish and me a run for our money in the cutesy couple category.

Kayleigh is Todd's daughter. At 11 years old, her writing is funny and offbeat and insightful. And it is full of great pearls of zen wisdom like:

"Scientists are also going to do an experiment in which they will send one giant bullet-bomb-thing at another giant bullet-bomb-thing and either the two will explode into a giant explosion that will be all over the news, or the entire Earth will be sucked into a giant white hole in space, and time will start all over again.You know what I say? I say that that is the STUPIDEST EXPERIMENT EVER!! Don't say, "Hey, I'm curious. Can we make the world end?" and then try out that experiment."

So check them out.

Arrogance vs Confidence

Bill posted this on his site, but it is too good not to repost here.

God Wrestling

A few months back, Bill gave a sermon focusing on the story of Jacob wrestling with God. The extreme nutshell summation is that God not only encourages us to grapple with God in our pain and fear, but blesses the effort. This idea has been a huge help since then, especially since the bad news last week. There is no promise of an answer to all the questions you might have, and I certainly have not found any recently. What I do find in the act of engaging, challenging, wrestling with God is a strong sense of being loved. And it is amazing to me how much that helps.

By the by, a world champion God wrestler is my friend Amy, who struggles with reconciling her fundamental upbringing to a secular world and her own needs and desires. While I disagree pretty strongly with her self characterization, I greatly admire the courage she shows in the continual striving. I have found great inspiration in that. Thanks, Amy.

Company

I received a response to my post on the recent turns in our conception struggles, and I have to say it feels good to share. It is a couple we have never met (thanks, Internet!) who are having a similar struggle. Just being able to talk to someone who not only instantly gets what you are going through but has experienced something similar is huge. Not that friends and family have been unsupportive; far from it. But talking about infertility with those who have never struggled with it adds to the sense of isolation. Just a few e-mail exchanges with people who have struggled with it helps me feel connected. It feels really damn good.

I was starting to make progress on this before connecting with the other couple, which is good. (I will post a more detailed follow up later.) That combined with the fact that we made a good start on packing last night, that this morning our property management company has given up on trying to nickel and dime us as we leave our apartment, and that I re-connected with a good friend last night has got me in a good mood. Now if I can just hold on to it while I enter all of my time for August before the end of the day....

Careful what you wish for

UPDATE: This post has taken a few people by surprise as it is more personal than others I have done. So, just a heads up that there is some information here about me that you probably would not get in casual conversation. But hey, I posted it so it is all right by me if you read it.

**************

I was not going to post about this, but I realized if I don't talk about it more, it will kick around in my head and drive me absolutely nuts, so....

I think I mentioned before that one of the frustrating things about our infertility struggles is that we did not know why it was happening. Testing on both of us had come back normal and the docs were calling it unexplained infertility (which is apparently pretty common). Well that was then. Now, it turns out there is a cause, and that cause is me.

In February of 2007 I had sperm testing done which showed that I was essentially within normal limits. The number was twice the normal but the morphology (shape) was low. The docs felt that these basically off set. (For the record normal number is at least 20 million and normal morphology is at least 14% normally shaped. My original morphology was 8%.) As we went on and continued to struggle, our docs thought is was best to see if we could raise the morphology number up to help increase the chances.

I went in for a re-test last month to see what effect changes in my diet, lowering my stress levels and my vitamin and herb regimen were having. In almost every category my numbers improved, except the one we were trying to increase. My morphology dropped to 2% (abnormal is 4% or lower).

If you want to look at it from a strict numbers standpoint, normal would be 2,800,000 regularly shaped sperm (14% of 20 million); previously I had tested at 3,280,000 normally shaped (8% of 41 million) and now am topping out at 820,000 (2% of 41 million). You look at those numbers and the first thought is, but all it takes is one! And yes, no one is saying it is impossible, just extremely unlikely that we can conceive on our own.

This has rattled me. Hard. Kicked to the nuts with a steel toed boot kind of hard. I feel ashamed, inadequate, angry... hell pick a negative emotion and I have expressed it in the past 24 hours. I feel like God is telling me I am not good enough to be a father. I am jealous of all these... these... these chowder heads who get to have kids of their own with no thought for the consequences of it. I feel guilty. I know, I know. This is not my fault. But that is very easy to say and hard to feel, especially after having comforted Trish's broken heart month after month after month after month after month. (And for the record, the only one feeling that way is me; Trish has made it crystal clear to me that is not the case for her.)

And we soldier on. I am busy pestering my primary doc for a referral a specialist (and missing our old primary doc very badly since he retired). We need more information. We need to know our options. From what we have read to date there is no real treatment for low morphology, aside from what we have been trying (diet, stress reduction, etc. and look how well that turned out). The good news is that while low morphology makes it very hard for the sperm to get to the egg, once there it does not cause issues (nothing wrong with the genetic material; just a funny shaped delivery system).

And while we are doing all of that, I am busy flipping God the bird. We have some issues, God and me. Time to work those out.

In the meantime, if anyone reading along has struggled with male factor infertility, I would really appreciate hearing from you. (Not like I have a ton of readers, but one can hope.) Drop me an e-mail if you would, because I could really stand hearing how you coped with all of it.

Right Track, Part 2

If you did not see Obama's acceptance speech all I can say is wow. Just wow.

Right track

Good to see my sister is raising my nephew up right.....

Changing my vote

I've changed my mind and I am now going to vote for Michelle Obama for president.

Homeowners

We got it!!! Inspection and all of that still to come, of course.

Tagged

While I was in blogging silence I got tagged by Puppy Potato, formerly known as Monkey Lady From Outer Space, a.k. a. Todd's daughter Kayleigh. (I wasn't trying to be a spoil sport, Kayleigh, honest!) Here's the deal with getting tagged.

Rules:
1. Link back to the person who tagged you (check)
2. Mention the rules on your blog (check)
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours (check, see below)
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them (not checked; my personal compromise on these types things is to answer when I get hit, but not pass it along.)
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged. (and see # 4)

So, 6 unspectacular quirks of mine

1. I switch between patient and impatient at the drop of a hat. Waiting in line is a great example as there are times I am content to stand there and people watch and there are times when I am mentally executing the people ahead for not being ready when their turn comes.

2. I daydream whenever I walk somewhere.

3. My attention span has grown shorter the older I have gotten.

4. I fidget whenever my mind starts to wander. And I fidget a lot, which makes sense given what I was saying above... wait..., what?

5. My shyness on meeting new people often comes across as arrogance. But its not, really. I don't get arrogant until I know you very, very well.

6. I sing cheesy songs when I get really happy. This usually happens around Trish because she makes me really happy. So that usually means singing cheesy love songs. And it is very fun to do this in public because it embarrasses her and makes her very happy at the same time. Double bonus!

"Long time quiet"

I know it has been a long time since the last post, so this is going to be a long 'un to get you up to speed.

So I mentioned that we did not reach an agreement with the owners of the house we wanted to buy. Coming right after finding out Trish was not pregnant again was tough. Tougher than it seemed at first. And both of us were fighting a certain listlessness.

For me it was centered around the idea that I was going nowhere, fast. In 2006 I set aside acting to take a full time job and give us some more stability while we tried to have a baby. Sure I started producing at that point to keep creative, but acting was/is a much more visceral creative experience and, honestly, more fun. Over two years later, and here I am with no child, working in a job I do not particularly like, production work not moving forward at all, and having given up something I loved doing. I mean I get that being a parent involves sacrifice, so it was something I was willing to do, but to have nothing to show for it? It pissed me off.

Unfortunately, all of this was not crystal clear in the moment. So I was pretty mopey and blue and not much fun to hang around and the problems simmered in the background. It started to come to a boil last Saturday. And that caused its own set of problems.

Over the course of our struggle to conceive Trish and I have worked very hard to keep our relationship strong and not let the frustrations and hurt from the infertility spill between her and me. Well, Saturday we did not do so well there. Without going into details, each time one of us has had a major flare up around infertility issues, the other has been able to put aside their own hurt and anger and offer some support and comfort. Saturday was the first time we both needed that at the same time and could not help the other, which turned into some serious hurt feelings which turned into a pretty lengthy fight. Yes, we worked through it. (Unfortunately, not before an emotional Loyd family dinner that night, which I will get into in a minute.) And yes, we are doing better now.

What comes next we do not know. We had decided to take this month off of active attempts (charting, temperatures, timing, etc.), figuring the stress of the house hunt would probably get in the way anyway. Whether we take a longer time off, proceed to IUI, keep trying the old fashioned way or something else, we just don't know yet. We are trying not to place pressure on the decision and working on ways to prevent a repeat of Saturday. It's just gets tough some times when you have this kind of desire, but we will figure it out.

As I mentioned the festivities on Saturday were complicated by a trip down to Auburn for a farewell dinner for Trish's brother, Chris. Chris joined the National Guard last year and is now shipping out to Iraq, so it was our last chance to see him for more than a year. We joined Chris and his wife and son, Trish's parents, Chris's biological dad and his wife and their son and daughter. Trish's other brother Robert and his family could not make it and their absence was hard. The evening went fine but there was a strong undercurrent of emotion (more than the lingering anger between Trish and me) as everyone was trying not to think about worst case scenarios.

Chris was in the Army before I met the Loyds. Since I have known him, though, he has kicked around from job to job and never seemed very satisfied. Joining the Guard has changed that. He is happier and more confident that I have ever known him. The military is definitely his element and I wish him all the best in it. First things first, though; he has to come home safe.

The good news on that front is that while he shipped out last Wednesday, he will not arrive in Iraq for about 3 months. First, he will be in Wisconsin for 52 days as his unit is brought up to full strength. Then there will be 2-4 weeks in Kuwait for additional training and acclimatization. At that point, he will be sent to Camp Anaconda at Balad Air Base, outside of Baghdad. He will be escorting convoys.

Hopefully, by the time he arrives, recent security gains will solidify. Especially, if Bush setting a timetable for withdrawal helps reduce some of the anti-American sentiment. Keep your head down and your eyes peeled, brother. And come home safe.

Then there was house hunting stuff. We had looked at quite a few more places after ending the offer and almost every place gave use a resounding feeling of "meh." Both of us were getting very tired of looking (and I was very tired of people telling me how exciting it must be, because it was not exciting at all; it was tedious and exhausting and disappointing) and starting to think that this special feeling others have talked about when they walked into the right place was not going to happen for us. We were wrong.

As soon as we walked into this house, we were both giddy. Second and third looks only reinforced it. It is farther away from the center of town than the other, but that is the only drawback in comparison. (And this place will be close to Gary which is a big plus.) DJ, our realtor whom I would recommend to anyone in the Seattle area in a heartbeat, is presenting our offer this evening. After the last round, we know not to take anything for granted, but we have hopes, high hopes, high apple pie in the sky... aahhh, sorry about that. Cheesy songs just fall out of me when I get giddy over something.

In the meantime, I have asked a friend to be a producing partner for me with The Ties like I am for Todd with Duo: A Geek Tragedy. She is thinking it over, but I am half expecting her to say no, just because of all of the stuff going on in her life right now. (Anyone who wants to help produce, please contact the author as soon as possible with resume and three references.) Once Todd is back from vacation (and it is a little surprising how much we missed Todd and Raechelle this last week), he and I will be meeting with contacts of his to see if we can't push Duo a little farther down the financing road. And he, Trish and I will work more on Ordinary Angels, too. And the writing is fun.

And who knows, maybe securing this house will be the first domino that starts a chain reaction. If not... Well, if not, I don't know. I guess I deal with those disappointments if they come to pass. In the meantime, I have hopes. You might even say high hopes, but that would lead us back someplace cheesy, so let's not say that.

I'm writing again

And, man, does it feel good. I am working on fleshing out the outline for the screenplay The Ties. The outline is as far as it will go as the actual screenplay will be improvised. Also, I am back at the novel that I started when I left Adobe and I got sidetracked when I ended up in acting school and doing all these production projects (the current working title is The Other End of the Telescope). Trying to take the pressure off on these but, especially in the case of The Ties, that is difficult to say the least.

Happy Birthday, Jim

Happy belated Birthday to brother-in-law Jim. (Still not up on the in-laws birthdays. This is a new thing for me; Tracy was the only in-law for almost 20 years and now look at us.) With these birthday posts I have been telling stories that stretch back years and define our friendships. I have very few stories to tell about Jim. (Well, there was my brothers and sister being incensed and outraged that I asked Jim to the Springsteen concert instead of them; it got to the point where my brothers tried to quiz him to see if he was enough of a fan.) But then, for a guy who makes my sister happy and helped bring a child as cute as Leo into the world, I probably don't need stories. Happy Birthday, "little" brother.

Sport

I have not been very interested in this year's Olympics, what with my feelings about the current administration taking away a lot of pride I have in my country. But I had forgotten that every Olympics has some moment that rises above current problems. We caught the tail end of the men's 4x100 swimming relay and holy crap what a race. Sport has the same power art does and last night was powerful.

(I was going to embed a video of the event, but all of the videos are being removed from YouTube as soon as they go up, so the closest I can come is this. Thanks, NBC for making it easy.)

More hunting

Well, the offer on the house has officially ended. The owners were not willing to come down to where we saw the value. So, next week we are back to hunting.

We are disappointed but after the initial bout of angst, which was about more than the house, we really did reach a point where we were good to walk away. Not thrilled about looking again, of course, but so it goes.

Hey, you're pretty smart,

or at least that is what this site says....

Limbo

On Monday, we find out again that Trish is not pregnant. Which is tough, as always. Yesterday we put an offer on the house, but it looks like we are not going to reach an agreement (nothing certain yet, but it looks that way). And throughout the week I have been unable to get in contact with anyone to whom I have sent the Duo pitch to get a status update.

So all three major areas of my life - family, home, career - the answer is not yet; wait some more. Which is fine, except that it's not. It's really not. How? When? And most especially why? I know there will be no answers to these and that makes it all the worse.

And as Trish and I were sitting in the car in front of Todd's house last night, on a conference call with Tom and Kathryn to talk negotiating strategy, all of the waiting and the stress and the tension came crashing in and for a moment I wanted to give it all up - baby making, house hunting, producing. Screw it all.

Fortunately, we went inside and started working on the Ordinary Angels series with Todd. Todd is very good for both of us in those moments, probably because he has been through so much himself. His calm support and, more importantly, the burst of creativity were just what I needed. (And not to brag, or nothin', but man, this show is going to be sweeeeet!) The irony of working on a show where a major tension is no one getting to see "The Plan" was pretty thick, of course, but very helpful. We were even able to brainstorm new avenues for the Duo pitch.

So with a new found confidence we were able to decide on a plan for the house buying and find an emotional place where we are fine with walking away and looking at even more homes. As for baby stuff, well that is still pretty damn hard. In fact, it gets harder every month. And I don't have an answer for that, not yet. But I don't want to give up and I do still believe we will have a child. For now I guess I will keep trying to work my way out of limbo.

Forged Letter

A first look at the forged letter described in a new book...

(click here to view)

John Sherffius Aug 5, 2008 EditorialCartoonists.com

Offer

We have found a home we like and are preparing for the really fun part of putting an offer together. And by fun I mean nerve wracking. Wish us luck!

UPDATE: And the offer is in. Our agent should be meeting with the sellers as this goes up. And now I have one more thing where I am waiting for the phone to ring. At least this response should be faster than the Duo financiers.

Something fun

The last couple of posts have been downers. Need something lighthearted cause my life really is not so doom and gloom right now. So thank Todd for tipping me to this one.

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Drama Nerd You sure do love the spotlight and probably have a very out-going and loud personality. Or not. That's just a stereotype, of course. Participation in the theatre is something to be very proud of. Whether you have a great voice for musicals, or astounding skills for dramas/comedies; keep up the good work. We need more entertainment these days that isn't television and video games (not that these things are bad, necessarily.)
Social Nerd
Literature Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Musician
Anime Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Artistic Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

Yeah, like any of that is a surprise.

House Hunt

Trish and I have been looking to purchase a home over the past couple of weeks. And the process has taught me one very important lesson: house hunting stinks. We have one more night looking at places scheduled for tomorrow, then it is time to make a decision. Thank God.

Corruption and new math

Slate has an interesting chart of scandals at the Bush administration. Unfortunately, to get their premise of Alberto Gonzales is at the center of each major scandal, they had to exclude a whole bunch of scandals like Valerie Plame, Jack Abramoff, Pat Tillman, FEMA, fixing intelligence to go to war, "4th Branch" Cheney, Blackwater, the EPA, the destruction of habeas corpus, Guantanamo Bay, Don Siegleman.... God that is depressing. The good news comes when you look at the current electoral college map and realize we just might be near the end of this mess.

Happy Birthday, Chris Wrenn

July is the month for birthdays... at least for the cool kids. Up today is best friend Chris Wrenn. Chris and I have been so close for so long that before he married Lisa there was rampant speculation that he and I were a couple, including friends who knew us well. (Thanks, Lisa!)

Chris and I met our first year of high school. He was the guy who was so quiet you started to wonder if he took a vow of silence but when he finally spoke you fell over laughing at the sharp observations and Sahara dry wit. (Then of course you would try to tell someone else of the hysterical thing Wrenn said and it would never come off nearly as well.)

Since that freshman year of high school there has been years of adventures involving cops, angry girlfriends, would be girlfriends, drunks on planes, petulant Swiss boyfriends, The Simpsons, secret service impersonations, roommates fornicating in shared spaces, over indulging, The Lord of All, road trips, "Mister Rogers has been arrested", not getting bumped into first class, prostitutes, gambling, Risk/Illuminati arguments, guacamole, "please listen", golfing in heat waves, stealing communion wine, fending off rumors of "the gay", breakdowns, failing at a much higher level, marriage, children, and far, far too many bad vaults. (No, I am not explaining any of that; see above about trying to repeat Chris stuff.)

Cannot think of a better man to have gone through all of that and more with. Happy Birthday, Chris.

Happy Birthday, Jim

Happy Birthday, Jim Catechi. Jim is a friend from the theater years; we met while doing late night shorts for the old AHA! Theatre group. We got off to a rocky start as he made a move on a girl in whom I had one of my patented One-Sided-Love-Affairs-From-Afar, so I was not willing to give him the time of day until I heard it never went anywhere (yeah, well I was young).

Glad it didn't because he has been a good friend for many years. A talented designer, photographer (photographed my wedding in fact) and cook, we have spent many an hour eating good food, drinking good beer, playing mediocre poker and watching baseball that varied between dreadful and inspired. (Jim is the only man I know who had tickets to the two baseball games ever called because of an earthquake - the 1989 World Series and the old Kingdome quake in the 90's when we were sitting in the owner's suite.) We were also known for our joint birthday casino night parties (he is 5 years older than me to the day).

And I wish our history was just that cool, but in full disclosure I have to admit we also spent many, many hours playing Magic: The Gathering as well. To the point where we brought our cards along when we spent a week in Acapulco. Yeah, yeah, yeah. (Hey, now that I am 40 do I get to rewrite history to fit my personal narrative or do I have to wait until I am past 70, like McCain.)

Happy Birthday, James.

Tension

Over the course of the next few months a lot of my life could change. Trish and I are looking to buy our first home; the pitch for Duo is out searching for funding; and of course, we continue to try and conceive a child. It is quite possible that all of those hit within weeks of each other. It makes for a very exciting time.

But the problem with exciting is that it creates tension. I am not talking about stress, but about the tension of possibilities. I feel like we are balancing on the edge of something and I just want it to tip over all ready, damnit. I want something to change, to feel like we are moving forward instead of this seemingly endless place we have been in for the past two years of getting the timing just right to conceive or talking about great ideas for movies yet unable to finance them or whatever. There was even a job possibility that appeared and disappeared within 24 hours, so that is still the same.

It is not that I am unhappy it is just that the waiting is starting to get to me.

Tyranny

I have no idea how to write this without sounding histrionic, but a U.S. Appeals court has just ruled that the President has the power to detain legal residents and U.S. citizens indefinitely, without being charged and without access to the courts. The fact that the Bush administration has "only" imprisoned three men this way is not a mitigation. This is fundamentally un-American - and horrifying.

Happy Birthday, "Buddy"

Steven "Buddy" Liu turns 26 today. We met in acting school when he was a wee lad of 20. Talented, smart, a killer with the ladies.... well, talented and smart. Buddy was the guy that everyone picked on because he was so earnest and young and he took it with amazing grace. Top notch actor who is always willing to let himself be vulnerable. Check out the second half of his demo reel to see what I mean. I suppose one of these days, I will have to forgive him for moving to LA. But not just yet.

This day is also 5 years to the day that I kissed Trish for the first time. How do I remember the exact date? Because it was after getting hammered at Buddy's 21st birthday party that I finally did it. That the kiss came in front of the apartment Trish shared with her boyfriend at the time might help explain why I got hammered before working up the nerve to kiss her. (And I kicked myself all the way home for ruining a perfectly good friendship, too. Little did I know.)

Buddy likes to take credit for the relationship because of that. And I think once a year, we can let him take it. Thanks, Buddy, and Happy Birthday. (And move back to Seattle, damnit!)

Nephew

Just a quick post to remind you that my nephew is ridiculously cute even when things are not going his way. That is all.

UPDATE: Photos by brother-in-law Jim. More photos his Flickr site here.

Fan Boy II

So the DVD was a little disappointing. The animation was great; the stories were fun; but the shorts were a little too short; and instead of an extra disc of special features, I got a CD with a Batman comic on it that I already own as a comic. Hrmm. Still worth watching if you are a fan of either Batman or anime. And if you want a real taste of the upcoming film, Rotten Tomatoes has a whole mess of clips online. I'm avoiding that personally, but other geeks might want to jump right in.

On a completely different but possibly even more geeky fan boy note, Joss Whedon's internet mini-serial Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog goes up with its first episode on July 15th. If you have no idea what I am talking about, because you have a life, there is an explanation here. Whedon has created some top notch tv shows, so this should be fun. And it will only be online through July 20th, so get your fill.

Fan Boy

I have to warn you, with each day that we move closer to the new Batman movie, I am moving more and more into a total fan boy state. So I am probably going to purchase this animated DVD and geek out over the extras just as much as the shorts. In the meantime though, this is hi-larious.

Convergence

Have you ever had a stretch of time where multiple, disparate threads in the universe converge into what seems to be a clear message from God to follow a particular path? That's happening to us right now. Cannot get into details - again - because everything is so tentative right now, but the next six months could bring very interesting changes in home and career. (And no, I am not trying to hint at Trish being pregnant.) In between bouts of giddiness, were clear eyed moments when we realized much of it is out of our hands and that is ok. So we do what we can and trust for the rest.

Audience udate

The Audience Strikes Back will be released on DVD July 29th and can be added to your Netflix queue now. Pat Beacham, the writer/director, also has created a new MySpace page for the film which has a bunch of content, including some nifty behind the scenes photos I hadn't seen before (which I unfortunately cannot copy from the site so I cannot share them here with you, but go check them out). Rent it, then buy it, then tell me you loved it!

Duo Hopes

So there is some positive movement on funding Duo: A Geek Tragedy. And I think that is all I can really say about that at the moment. It's not that it is particularly secret, but it is uncertain. Given the uncertainty I think the fewer details discussed the better. So send some positive energy this way and I will let you know if the movement becomes something solid.

"Hey! Look what Zog do!"

One of the great things about vacation was losing all track of time. The downside of that is when you let an important date slide. So Happy Belated Birthday, Tim Herzog.

Zog is my oldest friend, and no I do not mean he is old. I mean I have known him longer than anyone else outside my family. My memory is we met when we were 4 years old, but my brothers tell me it was later than that (although given what they do not remember from our childhood, they could very well be wrong). I know it was before 1st grade. We went through most of grade school and all of high school together.

Smarter than smart, he was the guy everyone wanted to cheat off of in Chemistry and Calculus classes and now he has his Ph D in chemistry. (I dropped Chem 1/2 way through the year and never touched Calculus so I never had the chance to cheat off of him. Just sayin'.) Top notch bass player with a love of jazz, he is currently living in Utah with his wife and 2 daughters. (Of whom, I have no pictures. Just sayin'.)

Would love to get him and his family back into the civilized world (yeah, Zog, I just dissed your state; whatcha gonna do?), but until then Happy Birthday, Zog.

Back from vacation...

...and a great vacation it was, too. Since I finished the Duo pitch package, there was not a single deadline hanging over my head so it was a completely stress free week. A day trip to Bainbridge Island with Todd and Raechelle, and an overnight trip to Portland to see one of David's baseball games were interspersed with a whole lot of lounging around in the sun, reading books and watching movies. The week ended on a high note with the combination 40th birthday party for Todd and me on Saturday, with lots of family and friends.

Had to end, of course, but even going back to work today did not dim my mood. There is plenty of work ahead though. Have to start planning our pre-production phase so we can hit the ground running once Duo is financed, get The Ties pitch package up and running, get the Ordinary Angels production bible in shape and then read through Trish's book and Jenni's script. And all of that should help me get my mind off of turning 40 at the end of July.... I hope.

Picture below is Todd and me getting toasted/roasted at the birthday bash.

Here's the pitch

At long last, the Duo pitch is completed. This afternoon has been a mixture of pride in a job well done and giddiness at coming one giant step closer to getting this made. And if I am allowed a moment of pride on this I think it is damn good. This was a monster chore over the last 7 months and at times I a) never thought I would finish, and b) never wanted to look at it ever again. So it was good to get an immediate call from writer/director Todd with thanks and congratulations. Always good to have your collegues appreciate your work. It is in the hands of the first of the potential financiers, so now we see if we can bring this thing home. I feel like a real flippin' movie producer right now... which seems like a great way to start our vacation.

Brothers and sister

Tom made a comment on the Happy Birthday post not remembering the punch in the face. I was going to reply in comments but decided to turn this into a post and explain it a bit better. And I would like to point out that Tom did not remember hanging me from a hook on the back patio until sister Katie backed me up a few years back, so.... ya' know.

Anyway, it was back in Spokane at the house on Waverly Place in the upstairs bathroom. I was in grade school and Tom was either in the 7th or 8th grade (he's three years older than me for those who don't know). We were having a fight over some thing or another. He insulted me and I lost it - as I often do in an argument - and yelled some idiot nonsense about backing it up (which by the by I never do, but a brother can get under the skin). I put up my fists and Tom took one swing and hit me smack in my left eye. I took a step back; we looked at each other for a minute; he walked away. Later that day he mocked me for losing the fight and I tried to salvage my pride by saying he was the one who walked away. Ha!

Two points in telling this story. One is that I do not remember what the fight was about but there is every chance I deserved the hit. Two is that it doesn't matter. The fact is I have great siblings. We had plenty of fights when we were kids and we did plenty of rotten stuff to one another, but that was when we were kids. As adults, my brothers and sister have never been anything but great to me. Supportive in the rough times, sharing in the good times and always there to keep me grounded. They're good friends and when I bring up stories like this it is to laugh at how different it was.

So Mike, Tom and Katie, here's to you. Thanks. And it gives me a great excuse to post this picture of the whole clan (minus Madeline and David) from a couple of weeks ago.

ML022991

In my day job, that document review project I mentioned before is still going on. Over 2 weeks we distilled 360 boxes (they found more) into over 25,000 pages. Over the past three days I have single handedly reviewed 22,991 of those pages for redactions, privilege claims and documents that are not relevant. Trying to get all of it done by tomorrow and then get all of my other cases cleaned up so we can start our vacation Friday. Thank God we canceled the Gigi project because otherwise I would be going n-v-t-s nuts. (Movie geek points if you recognize the quote.)

In my night job I am this close to finalizing the pitch package. I just have to expand 4 bullet points - romantic comedy, geek chic, local independent music and local independent artists - and explain why they are marketing strengths. Small case of mental blockage around this one, so feel free to pipe in with ideas.

Happy Birthday, Tom!

Older brother Tom's birthday today. Tom who used to hang me from a hook on the patio, gave me my only punch to the eye, and once told me an attractive woman was "way out of [my] league."

Tom who found me a job when I needed one, is always quick to lend a hand moving, and often took me to Mariner games (before he got married and had a built in game partner).

Tom who encouraged me to go to my first play auditions in high school, taught me much of what I know about sports and poker, and has attended just about every play or movie I have ever done.

My favorite Tom story is from a few years back when he, my dad, my other brother Mike and I were in Reno for a weekend. It was late and I sat down at a poker table (pre-Texas Hold 'Em craze so the game was 7 card stud) filled with guys who were either really drunk or literally falling asleep at the table. That was enough of an advantage for me to start winning a fair number of hands. About an hour into it, Tom sits down at the table, too. A couple hands in and I am showing a possible straight but have nothing and start bluffing. Because I had been winning earlier all the other guys folded until it is just Tom and me. He gives me a long hard look and then states, "Screw it! I can't let my little brother bluff me." He calls and beats me with two pair. Could not win another hand that night.

Happy Birthday, Brother. Thanks for everything.