A new Christmas play

So the snow in Seattle has gotten me down, mostly because I am worried it will prevent my whole family from gathering for Christmas. My friend Jenni saw that I was down and wrote a Christmas play to cheer me up. Actually, I think she wrote the play because her already thin hold on sanity was deteriorating even faster due to cabin fever, as you can tell by her note to me....

Right now it is called A Christmas Pageant, but I am thinking of renaming it How the Heinrich Stole Christmas (from the pagans). I sounded like you were a little depressed, so I wrote a play just for you. On a completely unrelated note I have spent much too much time in my house by myself since all this f-ing snow, and may be going crazy, like as in literally mentally ill. Enjoy!

Seattlites do not cope with extended snow well and my friends are more than a little odd. So keep that in mind as you read Jenni's Christmas play.

A Christmas Pageant

By Jenni Brown

As adapted from The History Channel’s: A History of Christmas (Check local listings)

It is a cold winter’s eve somewhere in Europe 437AD. Bishop Murray is warming himself by the fire with a bottle of Rum, enter Father Heinrich.

FATHER HEINRICH: Bishop Murray.

BISHOP MURRAY: What is it Heinrich?

H: It seems we have a problem sir…

M: Yes, yes, what is it, quickly man.

H: Well sir it seems that, while the population is very excited about the whole Jesus thing…

M: They better be, we certainly burnt enough of ‘em at the stake to get the rest of fired up … heh … get it … Fired Up?

H: Yes sir… that’s a good one.

M: Oh come on now Heinrich, you’re not still sore about your mother are you? Heinrich, Heimlich, they sound very similar.

H: Honest mistake, sir.

M: And she did kind of look like a witch.

H: Yes sir, you have pointed that out before.

M: So what’s the problem Heimlich?

H: Heinrich.

M: That’s what I said.

H: Right. The problem is that the people don’t want to give up their heretical pagan winter festival.

M: Well we could…

H: Maybe we should lay off the fire for a while, sir.

M: Fine, the people did get awfully whiny when we accidentally set the city on fire.

H: They certainly did.

M: All right, no fire… how about…

H: Stoning is also enduring a wave of unpopularity with the people, sir. The other priests and I were talking about it, we thought maybe it would be easier to just create a Christian holiday to take the place of the pagan one. Perhaps a celebration of the birth of the Christ child would be appropriate.

M: That’s rubbish man, everyone knows that the Christ child was born in the spring, the shepherds out at night with their flocks, the census, both historical data and common sense say that these are springtime endeavors, no one will buy it, use your head, Heinrich!

H: Actually sir, market research shows that no one outside of church scholars has any idea when Jesus was born, and most of them honestly don’t care as long as you don’t set them on fire.

M: And what would we call this new holiday?

H: I was thinking of calling it Christ’s mass, we can incorporate a holy mass on…

M: All right you can have your Christmas, or whatever, but we still get to have the Mistletoe, right, cause this celibacy shit is killing me.

H: Yes sir.

M: So, we get to have all the hedonistic, decadent, self-indulgent pleasures of the existing holiday, slap an extra mass in there, and call it good clean Christian fun.

H: Yes sir, that’s the plan.

M: I don’t say this often enough, but Heinrich, I love you.

H: Yes sir, well … I am going to leave now…you have a good Christ’s mass.

M: You too Heinrich, you too.

Yes, well..... I hope it brought you as much holiday cheer as it did me! Merry Christmas!