BFF

An 82 year old woman starts blogging so she can stay in touch with her best friend of 60 years. And she is a damn funny writer, too.

Torturing Democracy

Torturing Democracy is a documentary film made for PBS. PBS decided not to air it until the day after Bush left office. Given the subject, the chosen air date raised a few suspicions. It is now letting member stations air it if and when they choose. (The Seattle PBS station has completely wussed out, but is trying to save face by airing the documentary at 11pm the day before the election and then the Saturday after.)

Forgive me for asking such a basic question, but isn't the point of reporting to give us the facts so we can make informed decisions? Shouldn't this be the kind of information we get before an election? When did that turn into a bad thing? This is like the New York Times sitting on the story of Bush's illegal wiretaps until a year after the election. Isn't that the kind of thing we needed to know before we re-elected him? That he is actively breaking the law? And shouldn't we have a full picture of the current administration's actions before we elect a new one?

Fortunately, you can at least view the documentary online here. And you can check that same site to see when it is airing in your area. Here is a clip.



I imagine this is going to be very difficult to watch, but it is vital that we get this thing seen far and wide. We have to know what we did (yes, we; we are all responsible for this) so that we can a) stop it and b) prevent it from happening again.

Quick Update

I had an appointment with a urologist yesterday to discuss my low numbers. For a good 24 hours before the appointment I was in a pretty dark head space, certain that he was going to tell me I could never have kids and starting to wonder if the cause was due to some major health issue. Well the good news is that neither of those are true.

The short version is the drop in morphology, while not usual is not uncommon either. A six point drop, while steep, can happen from stress or other factors. He said a retest would probably show another fluctuation. Is the low morphology hurting our chances? Most likely. Is it the single reason we cannot conceive? Probably not. I think his exact words were "don't hang your hat on this one number." The bad news is that they do not really know what causes low morphology (aside from a couple of physical ailments which I do not have); it could have been as far back as the pneumonia I suffered when I was two or three. And there is no particular treatment.

So, what next? I have an ultrasound scheduled this morning (the doc did find a small nodule, most likely nothing for either health or fertility but we are checking it anyway), and Trish is making us an appointment with her Ob Gyn to discuss Intra Uterine Insemination. The doc said our chances with that technique are lowered because of my numbers but he deferred to the Ob who would perform the procedure to see if it was worth our while.

We came out of the appointment with two different reactions. I was greatly relieved to hear that the number can fluctuate and that this is not necessarily the end of the road for us having our own child. Trish was greatly frustrated that we still have no hard answers as to why we have not conceived and what we should do next. (A frustration I share, by the by, but we talked it out and she feels better about it. I am sure she will describe her feelings in more detail on her own blog.) All in all, I feel pretty good this morning.

Oh, and I will continue the posts with Mike's e-mail very shortly.

Literal Videos

This has been around for a few days, but it's a worth a second look if you have seen it already. The creators took the original video and music and changed the words to a literal description of what is ocurring in the video. I think it's hysterical, but I also thought the original video was freaking cool, so....



The original video made me jealous of Theo 'cause he got cable and MTV while we were stuck with broadcast back in my house. (sigh) The trials and tribulations of adloescence. Apropos of nothing, Todd set the tune to be my ringtone his phone which means either he thinks I am very 80's or very sketchy.

Chipping Away At Faith

I have a had a number of responses from different friends to my struggle with being results oriented, all of them thought provoking and all of them strongly encouraging. There is one response in particular, from my big brother Mike, though that really has me chewing over it. And there is a lot in his response, so I am going to break it up into different parts. This one tackles faith.

Mike wrote:

I'm not one of those who automatically believes that God has a "better" plan for you than you do. But I do believe he has a plan. And since he's bigger and tougher than you are maybe it's time to hear him out for a while. His plans may still suck ... but what choice do we have? You noted that when the results you want don't come through your faith in God gets chipped away. But, is that really faith? "If you come through for me I'll believe in you." ??? I ask this rhetorically as someone who has NEVER had their faith truly challenged. (And considering what a coward I am I pray it never will be).

Isn't faith in God another way of saying, "Lord I trust in you that you have my best interests at heart" and then truly believing it? And that's it. No strings attached?

I do believe that faith has to be more than "I get rewarded so I believe in you." Absolutely. In fact, I do not see faith as belief in God per se, but belief that God is loving and has our best interests at heart. So, yes, I agree. But when I do not get what I want, my belief that God truly has my best interests at heart gets damaged. Is that a particularly strong faith? Absolutely not (see Seed, Rocky Soil). Which is one reason why I feel like I need to re-frame the issue away from the results oriented mind set.

Shortly after my nephew Leo was born (who is still adorable, by the by), we had a family barbecue. Now being a new born, Leo wanted to sleep shortly after eating. And being parents, Katie and Jim wanted him to stay awake longer so that all three could sleep through the night. And being a new born, Leo was not happy about that particular plan and made it pretty well known. And being parents, Jim and Katie set about doing what was best anyway, even if they could not explain it to Leo.

Is it fairly obvious that I am Leo in this analogy? Squalling to the world because I cannot get what I want, all the while being held by a loving parent who really does have my best interest at heart, but cannot explain why this is the way it is. I think that is what Mike is telling me. And it makes sense.

Again, we butt up against the how question, which Mike talked about in the e-mail as well and I will get to that in a later post. The short version of where I am on that issue right now comes back to acting analogies again. Sometimes you just have to get out of your own way and let the scene happen.

There is one point Mike made that I disagree with strongly. In no way, shape or form is my brother a coward and I will have words with anyone - anyone - who says otherwise.

Results Oriented

In acting, you can never be results oriented. If I look at a scene I am going to play, like the final scene between C.S. Lewis and his wife, Joy, in the play Shadowlands, and determine that since it is our final good-bye before her death therefore I have to cry by the end of it, I will kill any chance whatsoever of reaching that emotion. In my effort to cry, I prevent myself from feeling any honest emotions present in that scene. If instead, I commit to just being present in this imaginary set of circumstances with no end result in mind, I open myself up to all sorts of possibilities. I might cry, I might not. I might find myself feeling grief too strong for tears. I might find myself laughing. And if tears do come, they are real tears.

A friend at church was diagnosed several years ago with a malignant brain tumor. It was before I knew him and I do not know the details of it, except that he was told it was 100% fatal. When he found out, he prayed. He did not pray for healing. He did not ask to be cured. Instead, he asked God to help him trust God more; he asked for help so that he could give his family what they needed emotionally; he asked for help in finding the right path forward. He never prayed for the end result. What he found was freedom.

He tells me that before the diagnosis, he was not very happy. He had a vision of his life the way it was supposed to be and he was doing everything he could to get there. His efforts were always falling short in one area or another so he was not happy, despite a loving family, good job, etc. In the process of treatment for the tumor, he discovered how little control he really had over the events in his life, and how his struggle to control those events helped blind him to all of the good things in his life.

This was no a It's A Wonderful Life type realization where he looks back and sees how great everything was. More accurately, in letting go of his need for control he was free to fully experience the life he had. Much in the same way letting go of the need to cry at the end of the scene would free me up to experience a full range of possible emotions. Now, without that need for control, he is free to more fully appreciate his wife and his daughters and his grandchild and his friends and his community and his work and his play. Every day he wakes up excited to see what might happen. He told me on Sunday that the tumor was the best thing that ever happened to him.

The similarities between his situation and mine are striking to me. Like him, I am trying desperately to make my life the way it should be. There are times when I get so caught up in trying to create a career making movies, that I completely ignore the good things happening all around me. And there are times when I feel that if I do not get the chance to make movies that I will never really be happy. Yikes! And that is just around career and doesn't even touch conception issues.

Also, like my friend, I just received a diagnosis that I was not ready for and that shook me very hard. (Just to be clear, I am not equalling infertility with a fatal tumor, but I am noting a similarity.) Unlike him, my response, as it has been throughout the years we have tried to conceive, has been to pray for the end result. Please, God, give us a child. Please, God, let this month be different. Please, please, please change this situation. And every month that it is not different, that the situation is not changed, makes it harder and harder to look up and see - and experience - the good things in my life. And another little piece of my faith is chipped away.

The question then becomes how do I change it? How do I stop being results oriented? The key would be to let go of the desire for the end result. My friend was willing to accept that he probably would not live out another year. In the acting analogy, I have to accept that tears - or any strong emotion - might not happen; in fact, I have to accept that I might screw up the scene entirely. So in my life, I have to accept that I might never make a movie. And I have to accept that Trish and I might never conceive a child.

Ummm.... yeah....

This is one of those things that is so easy to say and so difficult to do. Some friends and family have been trying to steer me towards this for a while now and I have been resentful of their efforts. It felt like they were telling me I need to give up. I get that letting go and giving up are not the same thing, but it can be extremely difficult to notice the distinction when you see something so clearly and want it so deeply. And believe me, I can see Trish's and my child very clearly. (And in case you were wondering, that child is beautiful.)

My friend who had the tumor tells me that for him there was no conscious decision to see his situation the way he did. It was just how he reacted. He calls it a gift. Other friends of the church going variety, reassure me that God has a plan for me that is much better than the one I have for me. (I still struggle with the idea of an interventionist God, so this can be difficult.) Friends of the non church going variety offer support and encouragement. In neither case is there any kind of step by step instructions on how to let go, obviously. In acting, I finally started to let go of my need to be good after I screwed up a ton of scenes and got tired of trying.

I am not sure how let go of this desire, this end result, but lord knows I am tried of trying. For now, I am going to change my prayers. Maybe that small start is enough of a crack to effect a change. As C.S. Lewis says in Shadowlands, "That's not why I pray, Harry.... It doesn't change God, it changes me."

Best Ever

Trish and I joined Jessie yesterday and hit a double feature of Batman Begins and The Dark Knight at the Imax theater (running through November 2nd, if you are of a mind.) Watching them back to back, it is clear to me that Batman Begins is the better of the two films, despite the fact that Katie Holmes drags down every scene in which she appears. Plus, it contains the best action sequence of any comic book movie. Period.



Why? Because it captures the character of Batman better than any other comic book movie captures its subject. We see how he terrifies crooks, picking them off one by one, never letting anyone get a good look at him, allowing the fear build and do half the work for him. No other sequence in a comic book movie has come close to capturing the character as well as the reaction of the people who see him. The only one that comes close would be the first appearance of Superman in Superman The Movie, with the classic "you've got me, but who's got you" reaction.



Which I have to admit holds up pretty well after 30 years, but it does not pack the same punch.

VP Debates

Trish and I watched the VP debate last night with my mom and dad. Loads of fun, especially since I won the Palin Bingo game. For those who did not see the debate, below is a handy flow chart from Adennak.